Seen on a tee shirt:-
every old person is a teenager wondering what the heck happened!
- Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
- Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
- A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
- Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
- A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
- Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it befound?
- A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..'
- Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
- A: Tell him you're pregnant.
- Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles?
- A: Take off your glasses.
- Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
- A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
- Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
- A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
- Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
- A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
- Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
- A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon...
- Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
- A: On their foreheads.
- Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
- A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
- SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . Finding them again's always a surprise.
- I've certainly got old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.
- ____________________________________________________________My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, mymemory's not as sharp as it used to be.
- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
- --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to spot the difference.
- Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Oh look there's an Easter Egg!!!!
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about
an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
SIGN OUTSIDE A LOCAL CHURCH.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
will only be able to access the building using individual security
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
I need is a
of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
one will believe
solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She
the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I
her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)
from the Boss:
is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said
she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest
of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
ADVICE FOR THE DAY!
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Don't forget to hug a child today!!!
Advice seen on the side of a moving van:-
"Never pack the cat and the dog in the same box!"<>*************************